Whatever Your Struggles, God’s Healing Power Is Greater!
by Blondie L. Clayton
Children were to be seen and not heard. Everyone was closed lip. Was it a dream? What really happened? My mother confirmed it: “It will be okay. Nothing to worry about. It’s behind you. The past is the past”.
At fourteen I had two boyfriends at the same time, then none until high school. That’s when I met Jim. We met through a friend. He was twenty-five and I was eighteen. He was good looking, dressed sporty casual, smooth talker, and had a job. Our relationship started out with an occasional date and then bloomed into what we believed to be love. We began talking about marriage.
We had been playing around, coming close but reminding each other of our commitment to wait; until one evening, in my last year of high school, getting ready to graduate, we decided to go all the way. Doubt and fear tormented me for weeks.
“What is wrong? I am supposed to be a virgin. Why was I so easy? What is he going to think?”
Before he got out of bed to realize what was happening, I went to the kitchen, poured some ketchup in my hand, and rubbed it on my private parts.
“I wonder if he thinks I have been lying to him?”
My first time out and I ended up pregnant and right after I said, “I do”, our marriage began to deteriorate. I had questions that couldn’t be answered. He wasn’t talking. I found myself alone on weekends while he hung out with his friends.
Loneliness, confusion, unanswered questions, and feelings of inadequacy drove me into the arms of another man, looking for love and wanting to be loved.
Trapped in this world of fantasy, make believe, pretense, in and out of the beds of men, masquerading, acting out their fantasies and mine, convinced by lust that I would always be the other woman, that there would never be one relationship, or a happy marriage.
Separation, divorce, unhappiness, hurting, feeling used and abused, questioning God: “Why don’t you just kill me? I can’t live like this”.
My hope had turned to a wall of ice until awakened one morning by this blaring voice coming from my television: “You’ve tried everything else, now, try God.”
I thought, “What does God have to do with this? I’m not good enough for God. I’m just a bad apple. No good.”
The next morning this same voice haunted me from the television: “You’ve tried everything else, try God.”
At that moment I kneeled in prayer: “God, I know I’m not worthy, but I need your help. Why am I the way I am? I don’t want to be this way but I can’t help myself.”
A great light began to shine on me, pointing out the secrets of my heart, questions and confused behavior rooted in childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a grandfather I adored and loved very much. I felt exposed. I couldn’t hide any more.
I said, “God, it is you. You know all about me. I thought I was all alone but you’ve been with me through it all.”
My heart grew lighter. I was ecstatic with joy. I felt free.
The moment grew more overwhelming, and then I heard these words: “Today, I give you back your value”.
As my soul danced with unspeakable joy for the first time ever, I heard myself say:
“Thank you, God, for your gift. Help me to share it with others that they too may recover their losses.”
My God sent husband passed away in 2018. We were married 34 years. Our two sons are grown, raising their families. We worked through my past indiscretions, and my body was re-dedicated to the Lord to be used in marriage for my husband’s pleasure.
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